A man's quest for forgiveness, a woman's return to a nightmare

Alcoholics Anonymous Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Alcoholics Anonymous Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

The 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has long been used as a guide to help people on the road to sobriety. But the anonymity of one AA member was broken when his attempt to apologize to his victim landed him in prison for a 20-year-old crime of rape.

Was his apology sincere? Was he inflicting even more harm on his victim? A judge's answer to those questions found the man charged with rape. He later pleaded guilty to a lesser charge, aggravated sexual battery, which carried a prison term of two years.

Advice from AA Sponsor

Liz Seccuro, now a mother and wife, was raped on Oct. 5, 1984, when she was a 17-year-old freshman at the University of Virginia. The man, William Beebe, is a recovering alcoholic. By his account, he decided to make amends for his past actions and sent her a letter of apology - despite advice from his sponsor that it wasn't a good idea.

According to L., of Victoria, who has been in AA for more than 20 years and is now a sponsor, under step nine of the program, a person has to use good judgment and prudence to decide whether or not to make amends with the people on their list.

The Advocate has agreed not to name L. to protect her identity out of regard for the Alcoholics Anonymous program.

"The second part of the step is extremely important," L. said. "You should make amends, except when doing so would hurt that person or someone else. You can't just make amends with someone to relieve your guilt when in the process you end up hurting them more. There are other ways to make amends. Maybe this man could have donated money to a rape crisis center instead."
Apology can actually harm
According to Laura Kinnison, a counselor at the Hope of South Texas Sexual Assault Crisis Center, many rape victims think they need to hear an apology, but it often can do more harm than good.

"It's almost like a victim thinks they know what they need to get better, but once they get that apology, they find out it didn't satisfy them. I don't know if apologizing is a good idea. If a victim does want to go through with it, they definitely need to have an adequate support system of mental health care professionals. The last thing you want is for the victim to feel victimized again," Kinnison said.

In the case of Seccuro and Beebe, perceived insincerity played a big role. The AP reporter says Seccuro began to think Beebe was looking only to ease his own conscience and she became further disturbed when her memories of the attack didn't coincide with his description of what happened that night so long ago.

"Rape victims are very good at detecting sincerity. If she didn't think he was being sincere when he apologized, or that he had downplayed his actions, then it probably wasn't ever going to turn out well," she said. "With the AA steps, the eighth and ninth steps are about absolution on the part of the alcoholic, so I don't know if that's a good motive for an apology to a rape victim."

According to L., making amends on the part of the recovering alcoholic isn't just about saying you're sorry for your actions, but asking what you can do to make it right.

"A lot of AA is about growing up and being responsible. Drunks tend to be pretty self-centered and tend to run over people to get what they want. In order to get back to a place in their lives where they can be happy, they need to feel good about themselves. Part of the reason behind the eighth and ninth step is to help alcoholics realize they can make up for their past and start doing good again," L. said. "But the biggest amends a person needs to make is to themselves."

L. added that when deciding whom to make amends to as part of a 12-step program always consult your sponsor first before doing anything.

"They are there to help you and can give you sound advice," L. said. "You can end up hurting people badly because you want to relieve your own conscience and that's not what the eighth and ninth steps are about."

Victoria Advocate