When alcohol takes over

Rosanne Zammit ~ The Times of Malta ~ Saturday, September 10, 2005

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic - there are people who went back to the bottle after being teetotal for 20 years or more. In this focus on alcoholism, two members of Alcoholics Anonymous tell Rosanne Zammit about their life when it was controlled by alcohol while two members of Al-Anon describe what living with an alcoholic entails.

What makes an alcoholic?

Alcoholism is a disease for which there is no cure - only recovery.

It has been recognised for many years by professional medical organisations as a primary, chronic, progressive and sometimes fatal disease. It is a mental obsession that causes a physical compulsion to drink.

The World Health Organisation estimates that the lifetime risk of suicide in people with alcoholism is seven to 15 per cent.

So, what describes an alcoholic?

A spokesman for Alcoholics Anonymous said: "There is a total fallacy that an alcoholic is a person who drinks from morning to night and falls over when walking. This is not the case. An alcoholic is actually a person who cannot stop drinking after taking one or two drinks. He can go for weeks without drinking.

"Alcoholics use alcohol to hide from their feelings and it is what happens when they drink that makes them an alcoholic. It doesn't matter how much or how often one drinks, what matters is why. If one starts craving more drink then he has a problem."

Members of AA believe that someone with an alcohol problem must attend meetings throughout his life to ensure that he does not return to the booze. Moreover, an alcoholic has to recognise that he is one.

The life of an alcoholic

Rita (not her real name) started to drink as a young teenager. Both her parents were drinkers and she used to smuggle flasks containing alcohol into boarding school.

Alcohol was her answer to insecurity and helped her fit in. It gave her the confidence she lacked. But her dependence on it got progressively worse. Her university days were the worst since by then she was drinking every day.

The real problems, however, started with the blackouts. On regaining consciousness, she would have absolutely no idea what would have happened.

"I would not even know if I made a fool of myself. I would convince myself that next time I would only take one or two drinks but the craving for more would be too difficult to overcome and I would give in to my compulsion.

"At the outset, I had everything anyone could want. But I was lonely and did not feel attractive. I felt insecure, vulnerable and alone. I would drink to kill this feeling.

"I went from one violent relationship to another. I used these relationships as an excuse to drink.

"Alcohol stole my youth and I do not remember the first person I kissed and the first time I slept with someone.

"One night I got very drunk and went on stage and started singing with a band playing in a bar. The police were called to take me home.

"This was the first time after a blackout where I remembered exactly what had happened and I was genuinely humiliated.

"I started going to AA when I was 26. I had finished university and was then living in London.

"During that first meeting I found that members were speaking my language and they were speaking openly about their problem. I instantly took to the meetings and felt a huge sense of relief.

"While at the beginning I used to attend meetings daily, I now go three times a week.

"Nowadays, when I feel like I really want to drink I call another member to get the support I need. I have now been sober for five years.

"Initially, after giving up alcohol my life was pretty difficult. My 'friends' started leaving me and the relationship I was in then broke up.

"But there have been rewards. I have since met the man of my dreams and we got married. I now believe in myself and I can cope with anything.

"I am selfish. In sharing my experience with others I'm strengthening my sobriety," Rita said.

Living with an alcoholic

Karla (not her real name) had been living with an alcoholic for 31 years. He used to drink before they were married but she had always considered him to be a social drinker and was actually proud that her husband was easy with money, not a miser.

But she realised early on in her marriage that her husband had a problem. He sometimes got drunk and stayed away from home for two or three days. Such incidents would not be the result of arguments and, on returning home, he would have no idea where he had been.

Karla, now a member of Al Anon, had tried to deal with the problem of having an alcoholic partner by ignoring reality and trying to present a happy front to all. Sometimes, she even felt guilty for not finding the formula which would get her husband off the bottle.

She managed to build walls around herself so that nothing apart from alcohol would hurt or affect her. And although she was by nature a caring person, there had come a point when she did not care about anything or anyone.

"I could not even bring myself to cry - not even on my own or following my mother's death."

It was not the first time that she asked herself why she was still with her husband but she had been brought up to believe that one marries once and for life. So she had to do her utmost to save her marriage. She also did not want her children to grow up without their father.

Thankfully, drink did not make her husband abusive - if anything it made him even more loving than normal. At times he begged her to do something to get him off the bottle.

The problem reached its climax when he started to get drunk with only a couple of drinks inside him. He even looked as if there was something wrong with him.

After 31 years, Karla had had enough and she told her husband that something had to give - she could not continue living such a life.

Together they called Alcoholics Anonymous and a meeting was arranged between her husband and a member of the AA. He asked her to go with him since it was an open AA meeting. She did not really want to go, but she had to for her husband and spent the night before her meeting worrying and planning what she should and should not say.

However, she was made very welcome and no one asked her to say anything. She just sat there and listened, realising that she was not alone, that there were others living her same situation.

Since that first meeting 14 years ago, Karla's husband never again touched the bottle and, together, the couple take their life one day at a time.

The transformation with alcohol

Violet (not her real name) is in the process of separating from her alcoholic husband.

"My husband was my lover and my best friend. But alcohol turned him into a Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

"From the way he turned the key in the lock as soon as he arrived home, I knew whether he was drunk or sober."

Violet's husband is a binge drinker and lives through periods of sobriety and others of drunkenness. He has a knack of building a business when he is sober - to destroy it as soon as he returns to drink.

Lately, alcohol changed his character completely and when he became aggressive and turned violent, Violet decided that she had had had enough and filed for separation.

"The environment at home had become so bleak that even the cats went away."

A friend invited Violet, a social worker, to attend an Al Anon meeting and she has since been attending religiously as they give her the strength to cope with life.

"The meetings are my fuel to go on living."

Violet said that although her job meant that she helped others to face their problems and she could do this successfully, before starting Al Anon she could not help herself.

Keeping sober

When Censu (not his real name) was a year old, he was rushed to hospital drunk.

His grandfather, an alcoholic, used to dip his soother in sweet wine to put him to sleep and on that particular day Censu took more Marsala dips until he got drunk.

By the age of 12, Censu proudly discovered that he could consume two bottles of beer and remain sober and enjoyed showing off his accomplishment.

"Alcohol took my youth away. When I was only 14, I had girlfriends while boys my age were still playing in the street.

"I thought I would stop drinking excessively when I got married but this was not to be. I drank when I was happy and when I was sad. The only time I did not drink heavily was when my wife was pregnant with my oldest son.

"But as soon as he was born I went to give the news to my mother and got stuck in a bar...

"After being an alcoholic for 31 years, I have now been sober for 14. During this time, I have never tasted alcohol. But I could not have done it without Alcoholics Anonymous.

"Staying sober is now a lifetime programme and the fear that I could one day return to alcohol is always there."

Censu admitted he only decided to stop drinking when his wife was on the verge of leaving him. He decided to call AA to shut her up.

She accompanied him to his first meeting and he has never looked back. Now the only thing he is addicted to are the AA meetings.

"The meetings offered me a new freedom. I am now free not to drink. In the past, alcohol was the boss. It was not what I wanted but what the bottle wanted.

"I can now think with my mind and accept what I cannot change. I have found that there is a better life without alcohol and I am living it."

The AA

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experiences, strengths and hopes so that they may deal with their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

In Malta, there are 14 meetings each week at seven different premises. Meetings are totally anonymous and those attending do not even have to register their names.

Al Anon

Al Anon is a worldwide organisation that offers a self-help recovery programme for the families and friends of alcoholics.

Members give and receive comfort and understanding through a mutual exchange of experiences, strength and hope.

In Malta, there are four Al Anon meetings each week.